I have tried holding back, gritting my teeth, thinking terrible thoughts, even biting my own cheek. Nothing works. I cannot control it. 1 just come too quick for her, probably for anybody.
HUSBAND
One of the major paradoxes of clinical sex therapy is that the more men try to control themselves, the less control they have. There is absolutely no reason to control ejaculation, to time the sex act, to work toward simultaneous fulfillment and punctual penile performance.
Masters and Johnson originally defined’ ‘premature ejaculation” as a situation in which a man ejaculated too soon for his partner to be orgasmic. A corollary to this definition is “If you finish your meal before me, you are a premature eater.” Men do not ejaculate for women. There is no such thing as a “mature ejaculation” any more than there can be tardy female orgasm. Like sneezes, ejaculations happen as a natural human reflex. We respond as a system. We cannot be late for each other because we are happening with each other.
Sex manuals and clinics have focused considerable attention on techniques to control ejaculation. The well-publicized “squeeze technique” through which the partner grabs the end of the penis and squeezes hard before the man ejaculates, has been used to “train” men to last longer. This approach has been around for decades, and we now have quick-treatment programs for quick ejaculators.
One of the couples in my clinic described their sexual encounters as similar to a fire drill. The wife reported, “As soon as I sense he is getting ready to ejaculate, we hurry up and change postures.” The husband added, “Yeah, and when I sense it, too, I start to yell or scream to distract myself. We have to do something to hold back the floodgates.”
To illustrate the absurdity of this couple’s sex life, I asked then to put their favorite piece of music on the tape player. I told them to hold back any emotional reaction, not to tap their fingers or toes, not to enjoy the music. “That’s ridiculous,” reported the wife. “It’s automatic.” This automatic nature of the ejaculation is just the point. Ejaculation is a procreative reflex. It feels good, but it is not one and the same with male response and has little to do with female response.
Another mini-myth is that men are not multiply orgasmic because they have a refractory period. Men, not women, are viewed as being unable to continue sexual response beyond the contraction phase. They may be able to struggle to hold back ejaculation, but once they come, they go. You have already learned in Chapter Five that men and women both have neurological limits to physical response, but emotions and thoughts are not determined by the body. Sexual response is not a one-directional cycle, but a reverberating system.
Super marital sex depends on reassessment of the early sex perspectives. If men or women are in training to learn control, then they will never learn surrender, a surrender to a more natural mind/body interaction allowing for equality of sexual response beyond nonexistent gender-dependent limitations.
*125\97\8*
